On the Edge or Clawing Your Way Up?

When I set foot in Argentina to continue my recovery close to my family, and attended my first NA meeting in Spanish, I was struck by a mix of oddity and gratification. Having only ever experienced these meetings in English, this new environment felt both familiar and foreign. It was also interesting to see how even NA groups here have their own unique bureaucratic disparities.

I also began to hear intriguing concepts and ideas from veteran Argentine NA members. One of the first insights I liked was the importance of differentiating between pre-rock bottom and post-rock bottom recovering addicts. This perspective, which I had never considered before, makes perfect sense.

Think about it, in every NA meeting, you encounter two types of people: those trying to avoid the abyss and those who have already plunged into it and are now clawing their way back to life. Both are in desperate need of support, and understanding this dichotomy has provided me with invaluable information into the contrasts of the recovery journey.

At this stage, I identify as a post-rock bottom recovering addict; having suffered the loss of my partner, faced incarceration, and watched as everything I owned, every friend I had, and my entire reputation crumbled to dust.

Pre-Rock Bottom Recovering Addicts

The notion of a pre-rock bottom addict can seem contradictory because addiction is often characterised by denial and minimisation of the problem. However, some individuals are able to recognize they have a problem but still continue their addictive behaviors. This identifies them as ‘contemplative’ addicts, as they are aware of their problem but believe they can manage it on their own.

For the sake of this discussion, I’ll refer to them as ‘pre-rock bottom recovering addicts,’ acknowledging their awareness of their addiction, even if they haven’t yet fully embraced the need for help.

Pre-rock bottom high-functioning addicts navigate a labyrinth of challenges that make recognizing and addressing their addiction particularly difficult.

The first and most deceptive reason is because we don’t fit the stereotypical image of a dysfunctional addict. This lack of visible consequences allows us to maintain our addiction undetected for an alarmingly prolonged period, putting us in an extremely dangerous scenario.

As I immersed myself in studying and reading about this topic, I uncovered some truths behind the misconceptions we subconsciously build up in our minds within active addiction.

Some truly resonated with me:

• Using success as a protective barrier only deepened my delusion. It fortified the walls of denial. When I was deep in addiction, asking for help seemed not only impossible but also illogical.

• My motivation for change was frequently rooted in the wrong reasons. Driven by external pressures like career ambitions, social status, and professional reputation, I rarely addressed the root causes of my addiction. External motivation was a deceptive trap, leading to self-deception which, in turn, escalated my drug use.

• The people around me often underestimated the severity of the situation. Friends, family, and colleagues often misjudged the severity of what I was going through. They saw my outward success and assumed all was well. Any signs of addiction were easily dismissed as stress or high-pressure work demands. This external validation fortified my belief that I was in control, further delaying the recognition of the problem.

• The relentless pressure to maintain a facade exacerbated my addiction. It created a vicious cycle that was almost impossible to break. This resulted in cognitive dissonance, which I will discuss in my upcoming post: Cognitive Dissonance: Values vs. Actions: The Mental Ping-Pong of an Addict.

• The support system of friends and family often fell short. Friendship is both wonderful and essential. Yet, like many other functional addicts, my circle of friends was drug-free, which meant their lack of awareness often provided insufficient emotional support and understanding. Especially since there were only a few occasions when I hinted at my struggles, hoping they would understand the true extent of what I was going through. Being a high-functioning addict, I was also extremely hesitant to seek professional help, fearing it would jeopardise my image and relationships, particularly with my partner.

I maintained a remarkable facade, but it was just that —a facade. Inside, I was rotten, believing my own lies and living a ‘dissonant’ life.

Remember, there’s a limit to what any human can endure. Regardless of our strength, success or intellect, addiction eventually will strip away what truly matters: the connections and relationships that define our humanity. The problem is, when you’re caught up in it, this is easily forgotten. I’ll end my clichéd speech here.

If you can’t see this now, that’s alright. I get it. But here’s what you need to know: Navigating your own rock bottom will be the most arduous journey you ever undertake—if it doesn’t take your life first.

Survive it, and you’ll find yourself on the other side, in the domain of us post-rock bottom recovering addicts.

Post-Rock Bottom Recovering Addicts

Post-rock bottom recovery begins in the shadow of our darkest moments, often serving as a brutal yet transformative new chapter —assuming we’ve emerged alive and/or free. This transformative period demands immense effort to rebuild one’s life, health, and when possible, relationships; all while rigorously upholding our sobriety.

Is it straightforward? Absolutely.

Is it easy? Far from it.

Is it worth it? Without a doubt.

Does it take long? It’s a forever ride.

As high-functioning addicts, we mastered the art of projecting normalcy even in the depths of our addiction. However, in the aftermath of hitting rock bottom, we face a series of formidable challenges.

I’d like to share two of the obstacles I’m tackling on my path to recovery these days:

• The Delayed Consequences:

  As a recovering addict who has hit rock bottom, I am currently experiencing the weight of delayed consequences, a phenomenon that has profoundly impacted my psychological and emotional awakening. In the initial months of sobriety, my focus was singular: conquering the physical and emotional hurdles of addiction. Yet, reaching the eight-month milestone in my sobriety was a turning point. It felt as if a veil had been lifted, exposing my past actions in stark, unrelenting clarity. The flood of memories, interwoven with lies and manipulations, are currently overloading me. This period marked the beginning of what I call ‘Gradual Cognitive Clarity.’

• Losing my partner during addiction without processing the loss can lead to complex grief. Complex grief is characterised by prolonged and intense mourning that disrupts our daily functioning. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, individuals with complex grief may experience persistent yearning, sadness, and difficulty moving forward with their lives.

  Simultaneously, our partners feel betrayed by the deceit used to conceal our addictive behaviors, resulting in deep emotional wounds and significant challenges in rebuilding trust. Among the most striking findings from my research on addiction is the concept of betrayal trauma.

  Confronting these delayed consequences and facing the moral and ethical implications of my actions remains my most challenging struggle yet.

• Professional Impact:

  Maintaining professional responsibilities during addiction may have masked my underlying performance issues. In recovery, I’m now confronting career repercussions that had previously been hidden. I haven’t worked for nearly two years, which has been a blessing. Yet, no matter how exceptional I might have been in the past, if no one understood why I was acting strangely before I disappeared for nearly 2 years, by becoming uncontactable due to changing phone numbers and living arrangements —I will need to put in considerable effort to re-enter the professional arena. And that’s completely okay. After all, there can be no work without life.

  I made the personal decision to be completely transparent about everything. After all, I was confronting a debilitating illness. This radical honesty is already proving to be not only liberating but also deeply authentic. I was pleasantly surprised by the positive and understanding response I received from the first co-workers I’ve already made contact with.

As I write about the complexities of both pre and post-rock bottom recovery, one thing becomes abundantly clear: the path to healing is neither linear nor easy.

REFERENCES:

• “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Basics and Beyond”, Judith S. Beck, 2011.

• “Addiction as an Attachment Disorder,” Phillip J. Flores, 2004.

• “Theory-based processes that promote the remission of substance use disorders,” Rudolf H. Moos, 2007.

• “Treatment of Complicated Grief: A Randomized Controlled Trial,” M. Katherine Shear, Ellen Frank, Peter R. Houck, & Charles F. Reynolds, 2011.