Values vs. Actions: The Mental Ping-Pong of an Addict

Let’s deal with the dry facts upfront: According to Wikipedia, cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort or tension that arises when an individual holds two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or attitudes simultaneously.

Many of us high-functioning addicts have strong moral and ethical beliefs. I viewed addiction as a moral failing or a lack of willpower, which clashed with my self-concept.

I used to lived by a code of integrity, even when the world wasn’t watching—a principle I shared with my partner. Together, we nurtured a profound sense of empathy and compassion, extending kindness to others, no matter their circumstances. Forgiveness was a practice we treasured, and it fostered a healthy bond between us.

I personally took responsibility for my actions, stood firm in my beliefs, and embraced gratitude as a daily ritual. I kept my promises, celebrated life’s milestones, and honored the special moments of those we cherished—birthdays, anniversaries, achievements. And so did my partner and her family.

Their values mirrored my own. In those moments, life felt complete, as if it couldn’t possibly get any better. However, genuine connection with family requires honesty, vulnerability, and a shared sense of purpose—qualities that addiction gradually strips away.

Not long after, when addiction took hold, it tore at the very fabric of my identity and beliefs. The widening gap between my actions and the ethical standards I honored only deepened the cognitive dissonance within me, leading to a snowball effect of irrational behavior.

At first glance, it seems almost absurd that something as simple as a drug could wield such power, shaping my decisions and steering the course of my entire life. Yet, beneath that surface lies a brutal truth—addiction’s grip is both deep and almost unstoppable. This is why I find myself compelled to write, and why you’re here, reading along.

To this day, I still often find myself thinking about this paradox, a reality that defies easy understanding but cuts painfully deep. Upon reflecting on my active addiction days, it’s quite clear that I was starting to engage in actions I knew were harmful and completely against my values. This contradiction kept me in a state of perpetual mental discomfort. Essentially, I was living a ‘dissonant’ life.

The real problem was that I was able to sustain my addiction undetected over time. This prolonged dependency complicated the process of eventually aligning my behavior with my beliefs because the substance had become an integral part of my daily functioning and emotional regulation.

Brian Collins in his YouTube channel Smiles For Smiles wisely notes that ‘dishonesty is a built-in feature in addiction’ and I couldn’t agree more.

The Relationship Between Lying and Cognitive Dissonance in Addiction

Cognitive dissonance often drove me to deceive myself and others just to ease the discomfort. As an addict, this lying became a tool for survival, a means to reconcile my addictive behaviours with my self-image and societal expectations, on top of sustaining my addiction. Self-deceptions allowed me to maintain a semblance of internal consistency and protect my self-esteem, but at the cost of perpetuating my addiction.

Beyond self-deception, I also lied to those around me. I found these lies served several purposes. Here are some examples:

• Preserving Relationships: I often lied to family, friends, and colleagues to maintain my relationships. I hid my substance use or fabricated stories to explain my behavior, aiming to prevent loved ones from discovering the truth. This created cognitive dissonance, as I struggled to reconcile my deceptive actions with my desire for honesty and connection.

• Protecting My Image: To align my public persona with societal expectations, I presented myself as responsible and in control. This involved lying about my whereabouts and activities to the people I love the most, especially to my partner. This resulted in cognitive dissonance, as the clash between my deceptive facade and my reality led to psychological discomfort and tension.

• Avoiding Consequences: Fear of professional, legal, or social repercussions drove me to lie. By concealing my addiction, I hoped to avoid losing my job, facing legal issues, or suffering social alienation.

Although these lies temporarily maintained my relationships and status, they ultimately destroyed trust. As my addiction advanced, the damage to my relationships reached a point of no return, causing irreversible harm and leaving me wishing I hadn’t avoided the inevitable. I talk about this more in depth in my previous post Pre & Post Rock Bottom: On the Edge or Clawing Your Way Up?

The Consequences of Chronic Lying

The consequences of lying in the context of addiction and cognitive dissonance are profound. These are some of the toughest consequences I’ve encountered:

• Loss of Trust: When loved ones learned my truths, it often resulted in feelings of betrayal. It may not have even been the addiction itself they uncovered, but a related hidden truth. The cognitive dissonance created by these conflicting realities created emotional distance and ultimately led to separation. The resulting isolation made me feel increasingly alienated from those I cared about, further fuelling my addiction.

  This could end in delayed consequences which I discuss in my previous post: Pre & Post Rock Bottom: On the Edge or Clawing Your Way Up?

• Increased Stress: Maintaining a web of lies was mentally and emotionally exhausting. I had to constantly remember my fabrications and live in fear of being discovered, leading to heightened stress and anxiety. The cognitive dissonance from these conflicting truths only exacerbated my addiction.

• Negative Self-Image: When lying became habitual, it led to a negative self-perception. The cognitive dissonance created by my dishonesty made me feel guilty and ashamed, lowering my self-esteem and perpetuating the cycle of addiction. This state of self-pity inevitably also fueled my addiction.

One of the most challenging aspects of overcoming cognitive dissonance was aligning my actions with my core values. This required a deep, introspective look at what truly mattered to me and starting a personal inventory of my life. Awareness was powerful, but it had to be paired with actionable steps and a commitment. Ironically, the only way to begin this process was by surrendering completely.

As I mentioned in my first post Rethinking Rock Bottom that trying to recover on my own was a contradiction, a trap. The complexity of my situation only intensified, and my lies and fabrications escalated, resulting in deeper self-deception and failure, ultimately leading to increased drug use.

It was only after finding clarity that I could start taking steps toward reconciliation and healing, but this came only through total surrender.

RESOURCES:

• ‘A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance’ by Leon Festinger (1957).

• ‘Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life’ by Jon Kabat-Zinn (1994).

• ‘Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change’ by William R. Miller & Stephen Rollnick (2002).